Last updated on February 16, 2014
Since around 1965, we have been living in the era of the self-expressive marriage. Americans now look to marriage increasingly for self-discovery, self-esteem and personal growth. Fueled by the countercultural currents of the 1960s, they have come to view marriage less as an essential institution and more as an elective means of achieving personal fulfillment. …
As a psychologist, I could not help noticing that this history of marriage echoes the classic “hierarchy of needs” outlined in the 1940s by the psychologist Abraham Maslow. According to Maslow, human needs fit into a five-level hierarchy: The lowest need is that of physiological well-being — including the need to eat and drink — followed by the need for safety, then for belonging and love, then for esteem and finally for self-actualization. …
My colleagues and I contend that an analogous process has occurred in our expectations about marriage.
From a New York Times op-ed on marriage by Eli J. Finkel, a psychologist at Northwestern University.
I guess what this means is that, much like development policy, the institution of marriage has stopped working because the average married American expects way too much for his or her partner. Or: much like there is such a thing as development bloat, there is also such a thing as marriage bloat?
Our own marriage is far from perfect, but when we read Finkel’s op-ed on Sunday morning, my wife and I both admitted that we hadn’t married each other for “self-expression,” for which we can each turn to our own individual interests, hobbies, and friends. In fact, when we find self-expression in each other, it really comes more as a positive externality than anything else. Given that, it might be that managing one’s expectations that one’s partner will always and forever be all that and a bag of chips the best prescription for a long and healthy marriage.